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Some days it’s there.  Other days it’s not.

The light through the dark.  Or the apartment foliage.

I remember feeling really confident and optimistic at least six different times today and pessimistic and crabby at least six other times.  Being incredibly out of it and exhausted didn’t help, I’m sure, but at least I got 15 hours of sleep out of it.

The one truth is I never keep myself in mind.  Just like any long-standing bad habit such as maps or burping without saying “Excuse me,” I think it was learned as a young’un and perfected over time…and now branded deep into whatever part of my brain that controls frustrating personal behavior.  As Spandex Ballet said, “I know this much is true.”  The band’s actual name is Spandau Ballet, but I’d like to imagine an 80s-erific, neon and lace ballet performance to the song.  (Did that happen, by the way?  Like, was the music video for the song like that?  Because that would be fargin’ awesome.)

Regardless, I grew up knowing it was a good thing to be selfless, which I still think is an important and valid value to possess, but I never knew how to balance my needs with others.  I think I’ve made HUGE strides over the past five or so years, however.  I have “me time.”  I’ve learned to say no.  I’ve set boundaries.

Many people are obsessed with what others think about them and their actions or beliefs.  How do I look to him/her?  How will I be perceived?  Did he/she take what I did the wrong way?  I used to care too much about what others thought, even though I aggressively fought the stigma.  I can honestly say I’m not paranoid about what others think about me now.

These days, it’s more about what others WANT and expect from me.

I hate hate HATE disappointing people, so that’s probably the biggest part of it…  And deep down, I’m saying to myself, “Why should you care?  You did the best you could, they don’t understand where you’re coming from, blah blah blah,” but it doesn’t matter.  Old habits die hard…

…But these kind of old habits can die in a fire.  If you can learn a habit you can unlearn a habit, right?  Look up and out and above all the petty bullsh*t.  Try living for no one else who can live for you.  Duh, Missy.  That would BE you.

Man, I’m bad at this.  Well, not really.  Okay, I mean… Maybe I’m not AS bad at writing, but I’m definitely bad about MAKING myself blog.

I digress.  Sorta.  Via short sentences.

An update in the life of The D:

• The Dude and I moved!  After a fun burglary (pssshhht, no sarcasm there), we were out in a matter of two weeks.  It’s been a whirlwind of a change, but thinking for almost two years, “Oh, I know we have the PERFECT setup for a burglary here…But SURELY it won’t happen to us…,” turned into, “Hi, Reality.  Oh crap!… Thanks for the b*tchslap!”

*Sidenote: Have any of you seen that SafeAuto commercial where the lady shouts, “Oh Cah-raap!” when that Justin Case dude starts dancing?  For some reason, the way she says “Oh Crap” cracks me up.  Anywhosits.

• My employer is letting me do some copywriting!  For the general Interwebian public, I’m not sure if it’s a good thing, but I’m happy to finally get some “real” (i.e. transferable/useable/hello-I-can-finally-start-a-career-portfolio) experience.
• I’ve lost about 16 lbs and gained 8 lbs back.  I was doing this thing they call “not eating,” which became really ridiculous.  Eventually, I stopped really eating at all because I was tired of chicken, shrimp, turkey, beef…ANY meat.  Just the thought of meat made me want to gag, which also made me realize that I never listen to my body.  So…gonna make some changes, and I think it will be good.
• Over the past two weeks, I’ve returned to running.  Last week, 3 miles killed me.  Today, I did about 5.25 with hills without the craving for unconsciousness, so I think D’s body is starting to somewhat remember what I could do a few months back.  Running, for me, provides something nothing/no one else can:  not so much “personal reflection” but a forced way for me to just DEAL with myself.  I can cover my feelings up with a smile, alcohol, loud music, going out friends and basically ignoring myself, but with running, I can’t escape… ME.  I’ve never regretted a run.  It’s humbling and scary and painful and cleansing and good.
• You know what else is good?  Cheese.  Sorry, I just wanted to say that.  (And because it’s damn true.)

I hope all is well for you friends and strangers out there.  Well and good.

A letter on (never home)maker:

You may remember a little post we did back in April called: Respect the Marathon? It was sparked by an advertisement in Runner’s World and the ongoing debate over what is considered “really running” a marathon or not. If you don’t remember what this is all about, go check out the post (which had some AMAZING comments, I might add). But the abridged version is in the photo above.
Sarah M. (in all her post-marathon glory, below) recently wrote us in personal response to this post and this advertisement. Her email gives me chills — no joke. Her words are seriously inspiring/motivating . . . and she was nice enough to let us share her thoughts with you all!
I have been walking for fitness for about 8 years, and just transitioned into running in 2009. I had completed 5ks, 10ks and three half marathons by walking them, and decided it was time to bump it up a notch. Plus, when you run, you finish faster.

I did two half marathons last year, along with the 5ks, 10ks, 10-milers, etc. Somewhere along the way, I was inspired to run a marathon, which I said would never happen, especially 8-10 years ago. But, by God’s awesome grace, I completed my very first full marathon in April. Yes, it took me six hours, but I’m 178 pounds lighter than I used to be.

You are right. The marathon is about personal achievement. And, when I crossed that finish line in April, you would have thought I just won Boston.

• Respecting the marathon is about the hour upon grueling hour you put into it the months and years leading up to it.
• Respecting the marathon is writing the check, turning in your registration and believing that you can do it. You will do it, whatever it takes.
• Respecting the marathon is, when the race course splits, following the full marathon route, not the half marathon route.
• Respecting the marathon is not giving up at mile 18.
• Respecting the marathon is meeting God at mile 23.
• Respecting the marathon is putting one foot in front of the other.
• Respecting the marathon is watching the mile markers increase with every step from 23, 24 and 25.
• Respecting the marathon is having nothing left in you to give, but euphoria washing over you when you cross the 26 mile marker.
• Respecting the marathon is finishing, whether you are crossing the finish line in 3:02 or 6:02.
• Respecting the marathon is wearing the medal with pride, and wanting to do it again.

I’m not an elitist, and I’m not as hard-core as some of those athletes, but somewhere along this journey, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am an athlete too.

Makes me want to start training for another marathon.  I think it’s about time…